GLOBAL CRISIS: INFINITY UNDER THREAT
Righter's Agency Reports ...
Wednesday .... 10th Anymonth
Could infinity actually be finite after all? Fears were growing last night that what had been thought to be merely a temporary shortage of infinity might be more fundamental and that the recent crisis in infinity markets around the world might be more than a little short term difficulty.
The facts surrounding the failure last week of the New York based Transfinite Credit and Mortgage Inc have become clearer since. Although Transfinite's attempts to secure more sources of infinity in the Far East and from several Gulf states seemed to have done the trick it has become increasingly apparent that these sources were finite after all.
Transfinite's CEO, Randy More reportedly trousered a near infinite bonus for securing these deals.
As a sad looking Randy More told the Great Expectations show on daytime television yesterday, "We thought we had a surefire source of infinity that would last forever ... as we would expect ... but we were disappointed." After telling viewers more than twenty times that he 'had done nothing wrong' he added ominously, 'We are now increasingly desperate for more sources of infinity. Unless those are forthcoming we may be in real trouble.'
These views were reinforced shortly afterwards by a dealer on the Tokyo infinity exchange who said, 'These rumours that infinity might be finite after all are getting us all really worried. If there is any truth in this then we have a very serious problem indeed. We might be forced to think the unthinkable.'
The true measure of the crisis became apparent when a principle adviser to leading London infinity managers Infinite Risk Insurance Ltd. was even more blunt, 'We had always expected to have infinite consumption of infinite resources for an infinite population on an infinite planet, driven by infinite credit based on infinite debt. We also expected all this to be based on infinite quantities of cheap carbon energy, infinite amounts of land on which to throw up infinite numbers of concrete skyscrapers, with yet more infinite land to grow infinite amounts of food; and to have an infinite number of holes in the ground to dump infinite rubbish in. 'Now,' he added as he wept into his créme brulé, 'all this has been thrown into doubt. I can't believe what is happening.'
Tuesday ... 16th Anymonth
After the weekend collapse and liquidation of several major infinity corporations around the world, global infinity markets took a new turn for the worse through yesterday, plunging more points than the computers had microchips to count. That is why the extent of the losses are still unclear and may never even be known.
Since Friday afternoon haggard, exhausted, hollow-eyed infinity dealers have been scouring the planet for new sources of infinity. 'This is the worst period we have ever known,' said leading infinity fund manager Francois D'Argent of Credit Eternal, 'It would seem that infinity might really be finite after all,' he added.
This view was endorsed by Professor Judas Creep of the Institute for Unlimited Influence. Although it is very rare for Prof. Creep to make public statements he gave an interview yesterday due to the 'unprecedented nature of the situation.'
After conceding the gravity of the global infinity crisis Prof. Creep sounded a note of optimism. Re-iterating his famous hypothesis that 'the stochastic robust, dynamic, market model has every property of a Teflon moebius strip and is therefore hyper-intrinsically infinite, going forward.' he told viewers that he had every confidence in the future, ' .. because of this intrinsic moebius-like nature of the market, I am sure that we will identify new sources of infinity soon. Indeed the finite nature of pessimism as against the infinite nature of market optimism is really what has been dragging us all down.'
However Prof. Creep faced renewed accusations that the Institute for Unlimited Influence has been funded by almost infinite research grants from the infinity corporations themselves. Answering his critics Prof. Creep said that infinity was a true science which needed good funding to continue. The consequences of such research not going forward on the basis of such funding would be dire for everybody, and might even cause a new global outbreak of the Black Death.
'As you all well know,' he added, 'Our research and conclusions are entirely objective and impartial and any funding we receive has no bearing on them whatever.'
However not all analysts accept Prof. Creep's conclusions. Some are clearly worried that the entire infinity system could be poised to go right down the toilet, 'How on earth could we ever adjust to a finite state of affairs,' said a despairing Tobias Wallet of infinity advisers Moneyfornothing.com.
Monday ... 22nd Anymonth
The drama of the past few days reached its climax over the weekend. In tragic scenes reminiscent, if not worse, than an Ethiopian famine, the aftermath of a terrorist attack, or the worst atrocities of World War II, skeletal queues dressed in rags have been lining up with their begging bowls before treasuries and legislatures around the world.
These queues are the haggard, stricken, starving, indigent executives and traders of the infinity and even more infinite infinity derivative business. Many of them have been seen carrying placards saying, 'Everybody needs infinity. We have done nothing wrong.'
Examples of this unfolding tragedy are legion. 'I haven't even got enough for fuel for my LearJet,' complained one infinity trader in the Washington delegation, 'How on earth am I going to get to my Caribbean island for the weekend?' Like many this trader preferred to remain anonymous, adding that he had done nothing wrong.
The Washington delegation was led by Randy More, recent chief executive of the failed Transfinite Credit and Mortgage, and Mr Buck Hope of the Universal Peonage Corporation, now thought to be in serious trouble.
After explaining that he had done nothing wrong, Mr Hope said that 'the problem has been fixed.' He told reporters, ' the thing is that the solution to the infinity problem has really been staring us in the face all along. Although there has been critical shortages of infinity on the infinity markets, in fact there has been a good source of infinity all along. It is right there, under our noses, in the pockets of all the Joe Soaps. Thus, through the government, we can now tap into all this infinity and restore confidence. Like I said, we've cracked it.'
Calling on Congress to approve these proposals, Senator Chuck Softhead commented yesterday that although the proposed bailout would require the imposition of an infinity tax, the proposals were basically sound and command his full support. 'I don't see an infinite national debt as much of a problem,' he said, 'After all we've got to get all this infinity from somewhere, and what better than the taxpayer? By the way, we are doing nothing wrong here. We have to restore the dream of infinity somehow.'
Meanwhile in London, Lord Dosh, leading the British delegation, told reporters that, 'We hope this will work. As with many countries around the world we are going to have to impose an infinity tax but given our national security preparations ... which we have been building up now for quite a few years for precisely this purpose ... we are confident that voters can be persuaded that this is in their best interests.'
Lord Dosh later issued a statement vehemently denying that he had added, off camera, ' ... if not we can always shoot the ungrateful, seditious bastards.' The statement added that Lord Dosh had been commenting on an 'entirely hypothetical situation' and had been 'under strain' after viewing too many Sylvester Stallone movies in his private cinema.
Lord Dosh, who like many of the emaciated infinity bosses, looked as if he had not had his normal diet of caviar, Galapagos turtle soup, Siberian Tigers' liver poached in champagne, and elephant's milk sorbet for at least a few hours, elaborated his view later in an interview with the BBC's Penny Hack, 'All that has really happened is that there have been a few minor mistakes in the running of the infinity markets. Naturally, nobody has done anything wrong. Now that we have this enormous new source of infinity on tap we are sure that business as usual will be resumed as soon as possible. Once again, thanks to the natural generosity of the taxpayer, the entire world will again be able to benefit from the unlimited skill, wisdom and sagacity of myself and my colleagues in the infinity business.'
(Green Party member)